Steven P. BarrettI'M PUTTING UP MY POLITICAL CONSULTANT'S SHINGLE: And hand out chastity belts for pols.
August 11th 2008 04:27
By Steven Barrett
If I'm going to be a hard-core political junkie, I might as well be a highly paid hard core political junkie.
After all, that's the American way. If you know something, or convince other people you know something (and hope to hell they find out otherwise before you have time to get out of town. Just kidding--that's what Jack Abramoff & Co. almost pulled off, and it's Republicans who hate him and his fellow banditos the most, and for quite understandable reasons.)
So, here I am, getting ready to head downstairs to my "man cave" and create a board or two out of old palletwood, paint 'em red, white and blue (very original, I realize), drill a few holes for the chains to hang the shingle and put a coat or two of polyeurethane. After all, I want the sign to last at least one election cycle, just in case I don't make the big bucks.
SInce motivational speakers are always stressing to shoot for THE DREAM, I'll use James Carville's and Paul Begala's success record as my model for success.
One Sunday after coming back from church you'll turn on your tube and catch me on Meet the Press, then the other Sunday talkin' head shows. Who knows, I might even go campaign idea to campaign idea with Carville or Begala, or Bob Shrum or the GOP's Mike Murphy. Then I'll slip into my certified pre-owned American built car (hopefully containing a majority of American-manufactured parts) and drive off to my next high-level pitch for my candidate or candidates. Gotta keep up an image.
Even though I'm going to schmooze and hold "power talks" all over the Capitol and nation when I'm not on the road, I'm stickin to my real "power base" in western Massachusetts. The most important vote I need to get for my candidates is my wife's even though she'll never be able to legally vote for 99 percent of those I'll represent. But If i don't get her vote to relocate so I can cure some of my near incurable "Potomac Fever," I'm stuck. That's okay with me be cause I treasure her vote more than any other's, especiallly since one very prominent politician from the eastern end of my state said once, "All politics is local."
Now I've got some "line in the concrete" things no politician, absolutely no politician, no matter how big his ego is, no matter what his track record is with other consultants, no matter how fancy-schmancy post-graduate degrees he has -- okay, she has -- I won't campaign for that person if he or she ...
supports abortion .... favors gay marriage/civil unions ... is a social libera/fiscal conservative ... has no problem with appeasement in diplomacy ... belives imagery is more important than substance ... and won't level with me about any, and I mean any "conflicts" that could've lead to a "major occasion of sin" in the past, present or future.
Let's call it the John Edwards or Bill Clinton test. Not that infidelity in the past has or ought to disqualify a good candidate. But hell's bells, if the pol can't be straightforward to the guy he or she's paying big bucks to help pull in the votes on election day, is this candidate worthy of electing in the first place?
If the other consultants want this guy or gal in their stable of candidates, I can only say, sure ... but make sure you have that person fitted out with a chastity belt from the moment you sign any papers -- if not before.
Ohmigawd, this would have to be my worst nightmare as a consultant -- especially if the S.O.B. kept it from me:
If I'm going to be a hard-core political junkie, I might as well be a highly paid hard core political junkie.
After all, that's the American way. If you know something, or convince other people you know something (and hope to hell they find out otherwise before you have time to get out of town. Just kidding--that's what Jack Abramoff & Co. almost pulled off, and it's Republicans who hate him and his fellow banditos the most, and for quite understandable reasons.)
So, here I am, getting ready to head downstairs to my "man cave" and create a board or two out of old palletwood, paint 'em red, white and blue (very original, I realize), drill a few holes for the chains to hang the shingle and put a coat or two of polyeurethane. After all, I want the sign to last at least one election cycle, just in case I don't make the big bucks.
SInce motivational speakers are always stressing to shoot for THE DREAM, I'll use James Carville's and Paul Begala's success record as my model for success.
One Sunday after coming back from church you'll turn on your tube and catch me on Meet the Press, then the other Sunday talkin' head shows. Who knows, I might even go campaign idea to campaign idea with Carville or Begala, or Bob Shrum or the GOP's Mike Murphy. Then I'll slip into my certified pre-owned American built car (hopefully containing a majority of American-manufactured parts) and drive off to my next high-level pitch for my candidate or candidates. Gotta keep up an image.
Even though I'm going to schmooze and hold "power talks" all over the Capitol and nation when I'm not on the road, I'm stickin to my real "power base" in western Massachusetts. The most important vote I need to get for my candidates is my wife's even though she'll never be able to legally vote for 99 percent of those I'll represent. But If i don't get her vote to relocate so I can cure some of my near incurable "Potomac Fever," I'm stuck. That's okay with me be cause I treasure her vote more than any other's, especiallly since one very prominent politician from the eastern end of my state said once, "All politics is local."
Now I've got some "line in the concrete" things no politician, absolutely no politician, no matter how big his ego is, no matter what his track record is with other consultants, no matter how fancy-schmancy post-graduate degrees he has -- okay, she has -- I won't campaign for that person if he or she ...
supports abortion .... favors gay marriage/civil unions ... is a social libera/fiscal conservative ... has no problem with appeasement in diplomacy ... belives imagery is more important than substance ... and won't level with me about any, and I mean any "conflicts" that could've lead to a "major occasion of sin" in the past, present or future.
Let's call it the John Edwards or Bill Clinton test. Not that infidelity in the past has or ought to disqualify a good candidate. But hell's bells, if the pol can't be straightforward to the guy he or she's paying big bucks to help pull in the votes on election day, is this candidate worthy of electing in the first place?
If the other consultants want this guy or gal in their stable of candidates, I can only say, sure ... but make sure you have that person fitted out with a chastity belt from the moment you sign any papers -- if not before.
Ohmigawd, this would have to be my worst nightmare as a consultant -- especially if the S.O.B. kept it from me:
Oh - *^)(*&!
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