Steven P. BarrettFAILURE’S HARDLY THE END, PT. III: RESPECTING AND KEEPING ONE'S DIGNITY
July 10th 2008 19:32
Steven Barrett
For some time I've been wanting to comment on a very tragic and poignant kind of behavior that's long been swept under our family rugs for years. Now and then we'll read stories about this behavior, especially if there's a rash of it, or if a celeb does it to herself/himself, or some celeb's child gets involved in it. (Please, no more Brittanys or Lindsays.)
It's called self-mutilation, and I'm not just referring to the slashing, cutting and other acts of desperate cries for positive attention to a long-lasting form of abuse, etc.
I'll get to that shortly. For the moment, I want to comment on what S.L. referred to her in her reply to the first installment of my posts about Roger Simon's column about the deflated Miss Wisconsin participants he reported about years ago.
S.L.'s words ...
S.L.'s right on the mark here: Some people had the "right stuff" taken out of them in their youths, either ripped out at once, or drained completely of it little by little, thanks to domestic abuse. Am I being overly generous with the tar brush here in believing our entire society's bought into a notion we can replace what's been lost (as a result of domestic abuse) in our children's hearts, minds and souls with an even emptier desire, or lust, for the erzatz glitz of celebrityhood, beautifully shaped bodies, larger breasts, fabulous abs, dazzlingly bronzed skin, and dazzlingly bright hair?
Astounding: With a little pizzaz in a person's life, we can fill an abyss of loneliness caused by all forms of abuse many kids endure at home. Consider the forms of abuse: verbal, substance, physical and sexual. And let's not overlook this ugly fact: Sexual abuse doesn't even have to involve a single instance where a child has been touched. Not once. I'll get back to this later. It's a horrifying reality many of us would just as soon forget, much less even conjure or imagine. But it can happen and does.
Let's go back to those girls in Wisconsin. Think of how they must've viewed themselves while dealing with the feelings of rejection -- personal feelings, no less -- that come from a contest where personal looks are involved. To a young woman, this can be awfully devastating since society places so much weight on looks. One of the oldest "jokes" in the world deals with the old "but, she's got a great personality" tag line when a guy was asking about the blind date a "friend" was trying to set up for him.
More often than not these girls did -- and still -- have wonderful personalities, even if they didn't look like a local version of Charlize Theron. No doubt they also made wonderful wives, often staying married "till death" to their husbands for decades when they did find "Mr.Right." They had a degree of "right stuff" the media gives millions of dollars worth of packaged advertising to make us forget this. But don't fret for the advertisers. They get it all back in the hidden "ad tax" included in the price of everything. Everything.
The crueler side of this "joke" refers to the girl's or woman's looks, as if that's all she's worthy of being judged on. And don't think some girls and women don't participate in this awful form of sexual tribalism. What I found particularly disturbing were the comments you'd hear in the college dorms or dining commons about such and such's date or girlfriend, and the guys would all yuk together, even the guys attached to these girls.It's a false "modesty" of not having "No. Ten" but having to settle for "No. 6 or 7." This is common with overgrown boys who were still popping zits while bragging about what high paying jobs they'd getting after college. Were they tens?
Don't think it didn't get back to the girls, especially those in high school or in small college settings. This is sexual abuse; being made to feel inferior, less worthy and expected to just "settle for" whatever comes along. Small wonder that so many girls did just that only to wind up with REAL ABUSERS who probably felt "punished" that the girl that was once the "one of their dreams" was human after all, not a convenient mannequin. And have those girls taken it, and still take it as I'm writing.
Read all the stories about girls who cut themselves at home before they met a the guy of their dreams, only to pull back in panic, thus starting a lifetime's worth of cyclical depressions, failed relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. And it all started in large part because, thanks to a very superficial set of "values" we place on sex -- no thanks to the "sexual revolution" of the late Sixties and throughout the Selfish Seventies.
There are millions and millions of true stories about physical improper sexual touching by "parents," "siblings," "loved ones," and "family friends." The psychological toll any of these kids (and grown adults) must be facing and already have faced is beyond my limited comprehension to fathom because my family, nor my wife's, when she was growing up, never had to endure it's lasting and excruciating painful "legacies." When you see marks in places where they shouldn't be, or are so blindly naive or worse, insensitively blind, only to hear your friends remark on them years later -- and still didn't make the connectionfor another ten or more years, there are few reasons, you probably have a bad case of Asperger's/ADHD -- or, you loved that person so much when you were with her that no matter what, it made no difference. That'd be nice except for the fact that the reason for its existence should eventually be dealt with in a mutually loving way (if the couple was to stay together.)
What about the stories dealing with verbal abuse, "trash talking" down a person's looks, self-worth, etc.? What about leaving porno mags, films, or I guess nowadays, screen savers on monitors, whoa! -- not to mention instances where "adults" demonstrate an utter lack of decency, much less discretion, by constantly running X-rated films instead of putting on a ballgame or letting their kids watch PBS -- something wholesome? No touching involved, but beaucoup abuse. And that abuse carries with it an exorbitantly high price that's seldom paid off soon.
Thankfully, there are plenty of people who are becoming more interested in working to help these women restore their lives and lost dignity. One such place I came across while doing some research for a book I was writing a year ago. Although it's based in Hollywood, FL, The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy (WIIT) helps women from all over. Hit the "link" above if you want to learn more. (It's a promotional page taken from Google 's "images" page. For faster results if you know of somebody needing urgent assistance, email them directly and explain the urgency. They're very good about responding: recovery@wiit.com .)
When I think back on those girls in Wisconsin, and many like them today, dealing with rejection, and what their grief over losing might be misleading them to perceive, i.e. that they "don't have it" -- or they're "failures" -- I can't blame them in the least if the conditions in their respective "homes" are the reasons they're pushing themselves so damn hard to get those scholarships and use their educations to add positive contributions to the communities, states and country they live in.
I'm not a big fan in beauty pageants because they've been overtaken by the people who want to see the most beautifully sculpted bodies; minds are secondary. (How else can we explain the allowances of bikinis and lowering of some educational standards?) Think of what happened to that young girl from South Carolina in a fairly recent pageant who didn't know beans about her nation's history, much less basic geography. That this girl wasn't "vetted out" ahead of time as they say in politics, and her deficiences brought out, she and the contest would've been spared both national and international embarrasment.
Frankly, I'd rather see the flattest, skinniest and palest girl, or heaviest young woman take the microphone and give a detailed answer on a hot-button topic of the day. That' d really leave the crowd's jaws dropping.
You won't see that because corporate advertisers and BIG TV believes we'd rather watch our young women Simon'd by Cowell instead of honored by another Simon -- Roger Simon.
For some time I've been wanting to comment on a very tragic and poignant kind of behavior that's long been swept under our family rugs for years. Now and then we'll read stories about this behavior, especially if there's a rash of it, or if a celeb does it to herself/himself, or some celeb's child gets involved in it. (Please, no more Brittanys or Lindsays.)
It's called self-mutilation, and I'm not just referring to the slashing, cutting and other acts of desperate cries for positive attention to a long-lasting form of abuse, etc.
I'll get to that shortly. For the moment, I want to comment on what S.L. referred to her in her reply to the first installment of my posts about Roger Simon's column about the deflated Miss Wisconsin participants he reported about years ago.
S.L.'s words ...
Fame, wealth, beauty... all fleeting things that seem to get a grip on some people and then a stranglehold. It makes me sad to see people who pretend to be younger than they are (with surgeries, ect.) because they think their looks are the only important thing. Maybe they just never cultivated anything inside where it counts. It's especially sad with kids, lose a contest or two and they think their lives are over (stage parents aren't much good for real self esteem!)
President Lincoln could teach many things about success. His greatest success followed failures and he was nothing close to a beauty queen! But he had all the "right stuff" inside where it counted.
President Lincoln could teach many things about success. His greatest success followed failures and he was nothing close to a beauty queen! But he had all the "right stuff" inside where it counted.
S.L.'s right on the mark here: Some people had the "right stuff" taken out of them in their youths, either ripped out at once, or drained completely of it little by little, thanks to domestic abuse. Am I being overly generous with the tar brush here in believing our entire society's bought into a notion we can replace what's been lost (as a result of domestic abuse) in our children's hearts, minds and souls with an even emptier desire, or lust, for the erzatz glitz of celebrityhood, beautifully shaped bodies, larger breasts, fabulous abs, dazzlingly bronzed skin, and dazzlingly bright hair?
Astounding: With a little pizzaz in a person's life, we can fill an abyss of loneliness caused by all forms of abuse many kids endure at home. Consider the forms of abuse: verbal, substance, physical and sexual. And let's not overlook this ugly fact: Sexual abuse doesn't even have to involve a single instance where a child has been touched. Not once. I'll get back to this later. It's a horrifying reality many of us would just as soon forget, much less even conjure or imagine. But it can happen and does.
Let's go back to those girls in Wisconsin. Think of how they must've viewed themselves while dealing with the feelings of rejection -- personal feelings, no less -- that come from a contest where personal looks are involved. To a young woman, this can be awfully devastating since society places so much weight on looks. One of the oldest "jokes" in the world deals with the old "but, she's got a great personality" tag line when a guy was asking about the blind date a "friend" was trying to set up for him.
More often than not these girls did -- and still -- have wonderful personalities, even if they didn't look like a local version of Charlize Theron. No doubt they also made wonderful wives, often staying married "till death" to their husbands for decades when they did find "Mr.Right." They had a degree of "right stuff" the media gives millions of dollars worth of packaged advertising to make us forget this. But don't fret for the advertisers. They get it all back in the hidden "ad tax" included in the price of everything. Everything.
The crueler side of this "joke" refers to the girl's or woman's looks, as if that's all she's worthy of being judged on. And don't think some girls and women don't participate in this awful form of sexual tribalism. What I found particularly disturbing were the comments you'd hear in the college dorms or dining commons about such and such's date or girlfriend, and the guys would all yuk together, even the guys attached to these girls.It's a false "modesty" of not having "No. Ten" but having to settle for "No. 6 or 7." This is common with overgrown boys who were still popping zits while bragging about what high paying jobs they'd getting after college. Were they tens?
Don't think it didn't get back to the girls, especially those in high school or in small college settings. This is sexual abuse; being made to feel inferior, less worthy and expected to just "settle for" whatever comes along. Small wonder that so many girls did just that only to wind up with REAL ABUSERS who probably felt "punished" that the girl that was once the "one of their dreams" was human after all, not a convenient mannequin. And have those girls taken it, and still take it as I'm writing.
Read all the stories about girls who cut themselves at home before they met a the guy of their dreams, only to pull back in panic, thus starting a lifetime's worth of cyclical depressions, failed relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. And it all started in large part because, thanks to a very superficial set of "values" we place on sex -- no thanks to the "sexual revolution" of the late Sixties and throughout the Selfish Seventies.
There are millions and millions of true stories about physical improper sexual touching by "parents," "siblings," "loved ones," and "family friends." The psychological toll any of these kids (and grown adults) must be facing and already have faced is beyond my limited comprehension to fathom because my family, nor my wife's, when she was growing up, never had to endure it's lasting and excruciating painful "legacies." When you see marks in places where they shouldn't be, or are so blindly naive or worse, insensitively blind, only to hear your friends remark on them years later -- and still didn't make the connectionfor another ten or more years, there are few reasons, you probably have a bad case of Asperger's/ADHD -- or, you loved that person so much when you were with her that no matter what, it made no difference. That'd be nice except for the fact that the reason for its existence should eventually be dealt with in a mutually loving way (if the couple was to stay together.)
What about the stories dealing with verbal abuse, "trash talking" down a person's looks, self-worth, etc.? What about leaving porno mags, films, or I guess nowadays, screen savers on monitors, whoa! -- not to mention instances where "adults" demonstrate an utter lack of decency, much less discretion, by constantly running X-rated films instead of putting on a ballgame or letting their kids watch PBS -- something wholesome? No touching involved, but beaucoup abuse. And that abuse carries with it an exorbitantly high price that's seldom paid off soon.
Thankfully, there are plenty of people who are becoming more interested in working to help these women restore their lives and lost dignity. One such place I came across while doing some research for a book I was writing a year ago. Although it's based in Hollywood, FL, The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy (WIIT) helps women from all over. Hit the "link" above if you want to learn more. (It's a promotional page taken from Google 's "images" page. For faster results if you know of somebody needing urgent assistance, email them directly and explain the urgency. They're very good about responding: recovery@wiit.com .)
When I think back on those girls in Wisconsin, and many like them today, dealing with rejection, and what their grief over losing might be misleading them to perceive, i.e. that they "don't have it" -- or they're "failures" -- I can't blame them in the least if the conditions in their respective "homes" are the reasons they're pushing themselves so damn hard to get those scholarships and use their educations to add positive contributions to the communities, states and country they live in.
I'm not a big fan in beauty pageants because they've been overtaken by the people who want to see the most beautifully sculpted bodies; minds are secondary. (How else can we explain the allowances of bikinis and lowering of some educational standards?) Think of what happened to that young girl from South Carolina in a fairly recent pageant who didn't know beans about her nation's history, much less basic geography. That this girl wasn't "vetted out" ahead of time as they say in politics, and her deficiences brought out, she and the contest would've been spared both national and international embarrasment.
Frankly, I'd rather see the flattest, skinniest and palest girl, or heaviest young woman take the microphone and give a detailed answer on a hot-button topic of the day. That' d really leave the crowd's jaws dropping.
You won't see that because corporate advertisers and BIG TV believes we'd rather watch our young women Simon'd by Cowell instead of honored by another Simon -- Roger Simon.
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Comment by S.L.
The Political Brief
With some victims, the patterns become permanent. I have known other women who were able to rise above the abuse, find their self-worth and do very well.
One such girl was molested by her brother, abused by her step mother and ignored by her father. She had almost no education due to her terrible childhood. Instead of falling to pieces and drowning her sorrows, she got an education, married young, had children after a few years, and is now very famous... as well as being very happy. The girl who still wallows in her misery has being seeing therapists for more than 30 years, to no effect. The happy one has never seen a counselor.
I'm not saying that either of these women are typical, just both ends of the abuse survivors spectrum.
I also know a man who was abused as a child and used it as his excuse to commit cold blooded murder three times. He's on death row (where he belongs) still trying to get out of taking responsibility for his crimes.
Another abused young man who grew up in a violent and abusive home, with both parents heavy drinkers and physical batterers, and he is as kind and gentle a man as you could hope to meet. Not a weakling by any standards, but a downright fine man.
Again, neither is necessarily typical, just both ends of the abuse spectrum for men.
I'm a firm believer in remembering the past and learning from it but not in dwelling on to to the extent that it damages the future.
Comment by Anonymous
I've been scratching my head as to the identity of the person you mentioned with the horrible childhood who put her together, sans counselors. But it's late and I've to and fro' Boston this evening.
One thing I regret not mentioning earlier about Lincoln was his near crippling grief and melancholia over the loss of his first true love, and I can't seem to bring her name to mind. But he was just put straight out over losing her. Nevertheless, he got up and put his life back and who know what might've happened if he hadn't. If more people would only realize just how much potential they have to influence other people for good positive rasons, and followed up on putting that potential to good use, this would be a much better world by far.
Then of course, look at the mess of a life that was Lincoln's wife's. Mary Todd Lincoln had her good points, but she was surely a royal pain and piece of work. Had Lincoln not been so idolized after he was killed, her spendthrift behavior might've landed her in deep legal trouble. She had no ethical concerns when it came to spending public funds and I think she gave her husband as many sleepless nights from that as had bad news from the front.
But why? She had a horribly low opinion of herself and instead of being content with being a president's wife, she let the worst in her take over. She was nuts.
My biggest prayer for this particular series of posts is that they'll help somebody in need. Not everyone can put it together without counseling. But for those who need it and are women, for example, perhaps WIIT and organizations like it around the country and world will do wonders to help themselves find the right way to turn their lives around. That and His help are all I have a right to ask and hope for.
Thanks for sharing those anectodes.